Lies my Demons Told Me...

Photo: source

Sweat is dripping from my elbows. It's hot...I want to quit...my eyes burn with the salty sting of more sweat at my brow...the demons start their chant. "You're not built to be a runner"..."You're slow, too slow"..."You're going to fail"..."Just quit already". I start to believe them, these demons, and while my legs fight to keep moving forward my mind tries to justify quitting now...4 miles before my scheduled 10 miler is supposed to end. I want to throw up or throw in the towel...or both.

Photo: source

I'm sitting at my computer, the cursor blinking at me, tauntingly. I am working on a story to submit to an online journal...except the story won't come and so the demons start their chant. "You're not a writer"..."They will reject your story and tell you never to submit again"..."You're going to fail"..."Just quit already". I start to believe them and I close my page thinking I'll just check Facebook or my email for a bit...maybe read some blogs for some inspiration.

“Being a writer is a very peculiar sort of a job: it's always you versus a blank sheet of paper (or a blank screen) and quite often the blank piece of paper wins.” ~ Neil Gaiman

These little bastards have an insatiable appetite devouring my best intentions and gulping down my self-esteem like a college kid doing a keg stand. And it seems they have made themselves at home somewhere in my psyche. Squatters...because they don't even pay rent.

I have a wonderful friend, Heidi, who always tells me how good I am at everything I do. I have a love/hate relationship with compliments. On one hand they are a welcome surprise because I often feel no one notices and it's nice to be noticed {sometimes} but on the other hand I feel like an impostor. There's no way those words can be used to describe me...obviously I have her fooled. I think, 'perhaps to satisfy my own Ego I have exaggerated my activities a bit?'...because, as the demons point out, I am not worthy of such praise.

When my father died 2 years ago from a head-on automobile accident, I came across a journal he had started. Although I felt like a was betraying him to read his words...words he intended only for his own eyes, I also felt that I needed  to read them. I needed a connection, I needed an explanation, I needed to hear something, anything from him.

My dad in 1952, he was 5 years old.

In that little book I read about my father's own insecurities. I read that his biggest disappointment wasn't me {as most children of alcoholics might feel at times} but himself. This coming from the man I thought was brilliant...having earned a Master's Degree after dropping out of school in the 8th grade. Yet here were his words...echoing my own demons, saying how much he hated his lips {which were beautiful and full...the same lips he passed down to me} and felt that he had disappointed his family and failed in his career.

At any given time I am questioning my ability or dismissing my accomplishments. And while it's possible I inherited this trait from my father, who got from his father, who probably got it from his father it is time to stop...to end the madness. It's time I own my accomplishments, no matter how small or insignificant they may first appear, because they are born of my sweat, blood and tears...they are what make up my life.

Life can be hard, we never know what's going to happen in the next 5 years or the next 5 minutes. Success can be hard, things that come easy...that don't scare the hell out of us or test our limits or make us question our sanity aren't the things that have the ability to change our lives or perspective. I've questioned my sanity AND my limits during a Hot Yoga class...it reduced me to tears, not just because of the physical aspect but the emotional one as well.

Running is hard. Running a marathon is really hard. It should be...only 1% of the population has done it. Writing is hard and the world is full of critics. It exposes us in a way that scares us. It's worse than being naked because it's reveals our true soul...not just the flesh and blood.

 “A writer is somebody for whom writing is more difficult than it is for other people. ” ~Thomas Mann

This from my friend Lauren, sent to my FB wall just today.

This from the Crazies' Manifesto at Rebelle Epoque.

As I was finishing up this post, a friend of mine (a fellow runner) posted this on Facebook, which couldn't have been more timely:

Running isn’t a sport for pretty boys...it’s about the sweat in your hair & the blisters on your feet. It’s the frozen spit on your chin & the nausea in your gut. It’s about throbbing calves & cramps at midnight that are strong enough to wake the dead. It’s about getting out the door & running even when the rest of the world is only dreaming about having the passion that you need to live each & every day with. It’s about being on a lonely road & running like a champion even when there’s not a soul in sight to cheer you on. Running is about having the desire to train & persevere until every fiber in your legs, mind & heart is turned to steel. And when you’ve finally forged hard enough, you will have become the best runner that you can be. And that’s all you can ask for.

 ~ Paul Maurer (The Gift - A Runner's Story)

Where "Self-Help" fails...

For a while now I've been kinda beating myself up for not having a big group of friends from which I could pick and choose to accompany me to the gym or coffee or a crazy shopping spree a la Sex and the City to buy all of the latest trends. I've always thought it was a flaw (being shy) or that maybe people just don't like me {insert pity-party here}. 

image via Pinterest

Actually, this is not a new place to be for me. As an Air Force Brat I sometimes looked at our moves as an opportunity to reinvent myself...yea, even before Madonna was doing it...and I would tell myself that when we arrived at our next duty assignment I was going to answer only to my middle name, Susanne. I felt Lynn was boring...and obviously my name was holding me back. In my mind if I changed my name then I could change who I was completely. But I always chickened out and when introduced to new people I would blurt out "Hi, I'm Lynn", afraid they would somehow figure out I was an imposter if I said otherwise.

Sue Heck from The Middle, when she changed her name to Suki.

Over time I read numerous books that promised to change me into who I was really meant to be, which I am sure was a table-top dancing socialite who also happened to be BFF's with Jen Aniston, with total disregard to who I already was. Always trying to fix myself whether or not I was even 'broken'...that is the conundrum created by self-help-itis.


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It's as if we don't have enough pressure in this life...pressure to wear the right kind of jeans (Gloria Vanderbilt, of course) and shoes (Reebok's...without socks) in Junior High, pressure to pick the right career path (I'm 41 and still don't know what I want to do with my life let alone figure out what my calling is...I've been listening but have not received a reply yet), pressure to marry the right person and have babies (I remember my dad telling me when I was a little girl that I could be anything I wanted and then doing a complete 180 and saying there was nothing wrong with me being a housewife)...so we add in the pressure of always striving to be different or somehow better then who we are.

And we are convinced that it is a never ending quest...It can be exhausting...

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It's a fast track to disappointment because, if you're anything like me you didn't wear the trendy clothes in Junior High (nor do you wear them now) and maybe you didn't marry the right person the first {or second} time around...so you perpetuate this inadequacy by reading books or watching TV shows that make you feel like you should be...well, like any one else except you.

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So I may not have that many girl-friends or a standing lunch date every week but I do know (after my car broke down 2 weeks ago when it was 100 degrees out and I had a trunk full of groceries) that I do have friends who are there for me when I need them. I also know that I really enjoy an abundance of alone time (call me selfish) preferring to do many activities on my own without the pressure of accommodating someone else's expectations or happiness (none of that "what do you want to do? I don't care...whatever you want to do?" so you pick something only to be told "well, certainly not that...anything but that...").
I'm an introvert and no amount of self-help books or subliminal CD's will change that (I know, I've tried about 100 ways to create a New and Improved Me) and I'm pretty sure that even if there was that one magic self-help book that could change me I wouldn't buy it or even download it to my Kindle. Nope, not gonna do it.

Certainly there are a lot of areas in my life where I can improve. I'd like to work on my cooking repertoire (which I think my husband would appreciate since right now his dinners consist of grilled chicken, rice, veggie followed by grilled steak, rice, veggie with an occasional grilled fish, rice, veggie) and of course I want to work on my writing, photography, editing, running, and spiritual life (I might have mentioned once, or maybe 5 times, that I wanted to make meditation a priority in my life once again).

There's a fine line between pursuing goals or finding ways to grow as a person and falling in to the self-help trap that makes you wish you were some one else (okay, so maybe being a rich heiress wouldn't be all that bad). Our quest to be a better person shouldn't make us feel inadequate or flawed because of specific personality traits. Not everything should be viewed as something we need to 'fix' but rather something we can use to enhance our other experiences.



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These past few days I've been researching the first leg of our Grand RV Adventure. In roughly 4 months we will be pulling up stakes and hitting the road permanently in our RV loving named The Mutiny. Planning long stays in State and National Parks with no electricity and only my husband as company I realize the benefits of being introverted when it comes to seclution. As the weight lifts off my shoulders and the self-blame disappaites like sweat in a tech-tee I find I am comfortable being me.

Wallflowers Still Bloom...

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While in the midst of writing a future blog post about how I seem to becoming more introverted as I age (as if that is even possible) I happened to enter and win 2 tickets to see attend a 'Live From the Artists Den' private concert and TV taping of The Wallflowers. As thrilled as I was to actually win something, I must admit that my first thought was 'well that's nice but I'm not going'...this being due to my recent 'homebodiness' which has left me with no desire to leave the confines of the RV we now call home.

Knowing how much my husband loves Bob Dylan (father of Jakob Dylan who is the lead singer of The Wallflowers) and the singer-song writers who persevere in a tough American Idol pop industry I mentioned that I won these tickets to him. However, he was scheduled for same day surgery 2 days prior to the concert and decided he most likely wouldn't be up for a trip to the City (San Fransisco). He mentioned this on Facebook where I got a response from fellow blogger and friend Lauren of me & my beautiful mess who said she would happily keep me company.

Lauren is very much into music and lyrics which really does make a huge difference when seeing a band like The Wallflowers. She has an eclectic taste in music so I knew this would enhance my concert experience. Besides, as a fellow blogger I knew that we could make this an adventure with no eye-rolling when I decided to take 4 pictures of our cocktails before we would be allowed to drink them. =)

My Pomegranate Martini sans the fancy glass.

Our little adventure actually started, for me...in my 2 foot wide closet, which I proceeded to empty as I tried on everything I own. You see, the email confirmation stated the preferred attire was Smart-Casual. I admit here and now, I had to Google what that meant exactly. After going through my closet AND the extra clothing stashed in a storage space above the bed (remember, we are living in an RV full-time now), my husband finally offered to 'dress me'. Dark jeans, a black and purple satin top, long black belted cardigan, and my S & M'esque wedges. Not too practical for walking in San Francisco but they added just enough 'smart' to the casual look.

These make me no longer short.

Philz...not just for vegans.

Lauren and I left at 3pm even though the door didn't open until 7pm to allow for a stop at Bare Essentials and Philz Coffee in Berkeley. The hubs and I 'discovered' Philz during Outside Lands 3 year ago when, freezing to death, we found the only hot drink available at their vendor space. Now, whenever we venture to the City, Philz is on our places to stop. It was Lauren's first taste of Philz Mint Mojito Iced Coffee and I think she approved!

The always beautiful Bay Bridge

Some new art along the Embarcadero.

We hit some slow moving traffic at the Embarcadero only to find out the road was being closed due to a huge 4-Alarm fire at Pier 29. Not to be deterred, Lauren took to navigating the streets and found a way around the traffic, through China Town and North Beach to make sure we made it to our destination just in time.

Lauren made friends with the sweetest bathroom attendant ever while I ordered drinks. Bimbo's, where the concert was held, is a retro style venue that is perfect for that up close concert experience. The Wallflowers played several hits from Bringing Down the Horse (including One Headlight) as well as some of their new songs, which were awesome, rekindling my love for the band (of course it doesn't hurt that Jakob is still so dang cute).

Photo Credit: A Beautiful Mess (Lauren)

When I got home and was telling Clark all about it I realized that the last time I saw The Wallflowers at The Fillmore they were filming the video for their song The Difference and tonight they were filming a concert...how lucky am I?!?

31 Days of Adventure Week in Review

Connect the old-fashioned way

Many of us have family and friends spread all over the globe. Emails, Facebook updates, texts and blog comments are all great ways to stay connected. But think about the joy that comes from a hand-addressed letter in the snail-mailbox. When's the last time you sent a handwritten letter just to say hi?

Today, go analog and send a card (or letter) to someone far away. Or heck, send a postcard to your next door neighbor.

Find a card laying around the house. If you don't have a card, use a piece of paper, or you can get creative and make your own. Then write a nice note, address, stamp and send!

I used to write letters all the time. Being a military brat meant constantly leaving my friends and family at a time when there was no email, text messaging and long distance calls were too expensive to run up massive bills over the silly conversations little girls have. 

I remember drawing a dot on the back of the envelopes I sent to my cousin Wendy with the phrase "Postman's peep-hole" written under it. =) And to my BFF Heidi, I would try to come up with 'new' and exciting stationary which included letters written on toilet paper and a barf-bag from a flight I took once.

While it's been a looooong time since I've hand-written an actual letter I did snag a couple of postcards at Squaw Valley (while we were in Tahoe getting married) to send to a couple of friends but it took this adventure prompt to finally get around to sending them. I also got a few more at Moaning Cavern this past Friday...they'll be in the mail tomorrow!!

Pull out a $10 word

Today we bring you a linguistic adventure:

Learn a new word and incorporate it into a conversation with a loved one or colleague.

Bonus challenge: Strike up a conversation with a stranger and use your new word.

Extra-extra bonus: Make up your own word, teach it to someone else and use it in a sentence with a stranger.

Total fail on this one...I have no new word. 

Ideas that are twice as nice

Friends and loved ones can add an element of spice to any adventure.

Today, why not invite a friend to join you on a creative endeavor? Here are a few ideas to get you thinking: make a meal together, paint a picture, sing a song, read a story aloud, build a sculpture or script a screenplay.

How does including another add to your experience?

I really like the idea of reading stories out loud but I also suck at it...often stuttering or reading in a monotone, which is neither entertaining nor romantic. But nothing thrills me more than to watch a mushy chick flick with the characters reading poetry to each other while they enjoy a picnic next to a babbling brook...one day, perhaps.

Instead, my husband and I do crossword puzzles together. Sometimes we just pass the paper back and forth and other times I lean over his shoulder and we work on it together. The best part about this is he doesn't even get annoyed! It's become our 'thing'.

Listen to the voices in your head

Here's Sara Lingafelter's (RockClimberGirl) prompt for today:
"Listen to the voices in your head. We all have them (right? Or is it just me?). Throughout the day, they tell us what we should and shouldn't eat, who we should or should't talk to, and what we should and shouldn't do with ourselves. We don't even notice them most of the time—we just carry out their orders.

"Today, stop and really LISTEN to those voices with intention—as if they're coming from a friend or family member. Which messages or instructions really stand out? Are there ones that you might need to defend yourself against? If so, stick up for yourself to that voice.

"And, if there's a quiet little (or not so quiet little) voice that pipes up that you identify as your creative self—consider DOING what it asks of you rather than putting it on a shelf for another time (or worse—to be forgotten)."

Oh boy, the voices, the voices. There are so many!! Okay, truth be told I have the same voices many of us have...the old "I'm too fat, I'm not pretty enough" sort that I've been working on tuning out. But the one that lingers and, perhaps, could be the grand-daddy of them all is "you're not ______ enough...", not good enough to write, not strong enough to summit Mt. Shasta, not fast enough to break my marathon P.R., and of the other "enoughs" that keep me doubting my abilities.

The only way to squash that voice is to just go after my dreams...submit the article, attempt the climb, run my best race and accept the outcome knowing that I gave it my best. Surely that beats not even trying and always wondering.

The gift of vulnerability

Sometimes it can seem like we're alone in the world. And that we need (or it's easier) to do everything ourselves.

We're here to challenge that assumption with today's adventure: Ask for help.

It can be hard to ask others for help. (It's usually much easier to offer to help others.) What do you need help with today?

Lunches made for your kids? Input on a project at work? Painting your living room? Moving furniture? A shoulder to cry on? Shoveling a drive? Holding yourself accountable for your goals? Brainstorming a new idea?

Go ahead. Be brave. And vulnerable. Ask for help.

I'm dangling right in the center of this picture!

So, thanks to Groupon I had the ultimate opportunity to ask for help while I tackled a huge fear I have...heights. Several months ago I purchased vouchers for my husband and I to do a zip-line adventure at Moaning Caverns. Since they were close to expiring we planned a spontaneous trip to Calaveras County spending the night in Angels Camp and tackling the Cavern the following day. 

The ropes coming out of "The Chimney".

While we were there, we decided to add on the rappel into the cavern. This is a 165 foot hair-raising, nerve-racking descent into what appears to be a black hole...terrifying for someone with a fear of height or claustrophobia. There are sections of the rappel that are called a free descent, meaning you literally are hanging from your harness by the rope, no where to grab and no where to put your feet, over 100 feet in mid-air.

The Hubby on out way back up. 

Inside the cavern...there are beautiful formations and it's HUGE!

With the help of my husband, and a pep-talk from the wonderful staff at Moaning Cavern, I was able to complete my rappel without needing a rescue. There were times when I started to freak out and just wanted down but my husband encouraged me to take a deep breath and look around. It's not often you get to see such amazing formations that are perhaps millions of years old.

31 Days of Adventure ~ Day 8

Day 8 | January 8

Expand Your Circle

Today’s adventure comes from our very first guest contributor, Katie Levy. Katie is a Philadelphia-based outdoor addict with a passion for playing outside and sharing that passion with others.

She believes there's no such thing as an adventure too small to have, or to share. She's a climber, hiker, backpacker, sort-of mountaineer, CrossFit enthusiast and founder of Adventure-Inspired. We’re delighted to welcome her to 31 Days of Adventure.

From Katie:
“Have breakfast, lunch or dinner with someone you don’t know well. Whether it’s the colleague you’ve been meaning to get to know, or an acquaintance you made at a recent social event, take the opportunity to spend time with someone outside your normal circles.”

Yesterday (Day 8...yes, I know I'm behind, as usual)...I did not have the opportunity to have a meal with anyone but I did engage in conversation with not one, but two different neighbors. Although these people aren't strangers to me, I'm quite a bit of an introvert so to actually stand and have interaction with these people (beyond "good morning") was more then I would normally do.

I then ventured to Costco to stock up on some cooking supplies and made an effort to have a brief conversation with two complete strangers. It may not have been much, but it was outside of my comfort zone...score!

And, to top things off, an old friend from my high school in Alaska, Jody, has invited me to attend Winter Wineland this coming weekend. Although our high school was tiny Jody was a year behind me so we didn't have classes together. Her brother and sister (twins) were in my graduating class but I still knew Jody and spoke to her in school and at the gym. Also, if you've read anything about my past you know that I spent very little of my senior year in school so this is definitely going to be an adventure to spend the entire day together. Fortunately, through blogging, tweeting and Facebook, we've managed to catch up and have found we seem to have a lot in common...one of those things being wine!

Kim, me and Jody 2009

I am really looking forward to spending some time with Jody, something we've promised to try to do for about a year now. After all, we both live in California, about an hour away from each other and 3000 miles away from the school we both graduated from!