Idiocracy Meets the American Diet

I'm not a nutritionist or health expert. I don't profess to be the smartest or most educated person you'll ever run across and I am certainly not infallible (there's a reason this blog is named Learning Curves). However, I do have a bit of experience with dieting. I've done Atkins, the Rice Diet, Nutrisystem, the Master Cleanse (aka Lemonade Diet) and everything in between. I've even done calorie restriction to the point of becoming anorexic. I lost weight. I gained weight. I beat myself up and placed my personal value in that magic number on the scale. I also almost died.

What did I learn from spending countless dollars on books, programs, special "diet" foods, sugar-free this and fat-free that and carb-free mystery foods? Well, what I unlearned was how to eat, what it felt like to be hungry and to trust my body's needs and abilities.

We eat because the clock says it’s time to eat. We fill our plates with too much food because the plates are large and that’s what everybody else is doing. “We confuse thirst for hunger and food for love,” May says. {excerpt from an interview with author Michelle May, a physician turned health coach}

I unlearned so much of what is supposed to be innate, the simple act of supplying my body with fuel, that I have yet to relearn it after declaring myself "diet-free" a few years ago.

My thoughts...and this in only my opinion...is that the diet industry, along with Big Ag and those genius marketers, have basically brainwashed the average consumer into thinking humans cannot survive by simply eating food when their body indicates it's hungry. We've been convinced to ignore our cravings (which can often indicate a true nutritional need) and substitute food-like products in an effort to "trick" our brain into thinking it's satisfied.

We eat low- or no-calorie "desserts" (sugar-free jello, for example) as a way to fill our ever expanding stomachs while depriving our body of actual nutrients. Which means we will have to eat even MORE lo- or no-calorie foods in an attempt to make our stomachs feel full. And if we ever go back to eating "real" foods we will have trouble feeling full on "normal" serving sizes.

We convince ourselves that bacon is "good for us" because some caveman supposedly ate a high protein diet thousands of years ago (but he didn't drive to work in a car, sit around and watch TV for hours, and play on Facebook all day). So, we bastardize a diet like Paleo to include processed meats as long as they "hold the bun". Of course, my philosophy is that we convince ourselves bacon {or insert your favorite food here}is good for us because we want to believe we will do anything to get healthy but really, we won't. It would be like eating the same foods and calories of say, Michael Phelps (who sometimes eats around 12,000 calories a day when training) but never swimming a lap...and then wondering why we don't have his physique.

Battered and then deep fried Twinkies are used for "buns" on this bacon burger...and why not...this is 'Murica!

In this country (U.S.) the "gluttonous movement" has gotten to the point of being a ridiculous (and embarrassing considering how many people across the world, and our own country, go hungry). It's as if people are trying to give a big F-you to health and purposely eating the most fattening, sugar laden abomination of "food" ever imagined. There's even a series from Thrillist called Fat Kid Friday which publishes "this week's most ridiculous eats". It showcases real menu items like Porky Cake Batter Ice Cream Sundae (cake batter ice cream topped with caramelized pork belly bites and chicharrones tossed in cinnamon and sugar, then drenched with bacon-caramel sauce) and the Breakfast All Day Burger which is a hamburger topped with fried hash browns, a fried egg, bacon and maple syrup.  

I mean, it's like we can't stop ourselves when it comes to shock-value regarding our food! People think it's funny to push the 'envelope' when what they are really doing is destroying themselves. Even Subway, whose profits soared with the Jerad campaign, has resorted to offering Frito loaded sandwiches! We think we have free will but based on the number of people I see jumping on this bandwagon I beg to differ. Can anyone tell me what exactly we are trying to accomplish?

The human body is highly adaptable, which is one of the reasons we are still here. But it also has it's limits when bombarded with garbage on a daily basis. There's pollution, the highly processed foods we eat and the chemicals/hormones/drugs/toxic bug sprays that cover our not so highly processed foods, the 'fragrances' added to our shampoos, lotions, soaps, deodorants and the toxins that get released from the plastic packaging our apples and carrots come in or Glad containers we use to store our leftovers.This accumulation now has a name...chronic inflammation...and it's been linked to a plethora of illnesses.

 Our bodies have become virtual dumping grounds for the tens of thousands of toxic compounds that invade our everyday world, setting the stage for a slow decline in health. The EPA estimates there are more than 20,000 chemicals that our bodies cannot metabolize. Unable to be excreted from the body, chemicals find their way into our liver, and then migrate to fat cells throughout the body where they are stored. Studies show that most of us have between 400 and 800 chemical residues stored in our cells. {Arizona Center for Advanced Medicine}

There's also emotional stress, something many people don't want to deal with because we think it's a sign of weakness. And some people are "happy" being prescribed drugs to mask their symptoms because it's 'easier' and deflects the feeling of responsibility. Somehow it's understandable to 'blame' the diet industry and marketing minds behind Big Ag and the conflicting research behind the USDA for our choices (I can't remember if eggs are good for us now or not) and our desire to eat like crap but it's a mark against us, as individuals, to admit that somewhere along the way we also forgot how to express our feelings, were made to feel even worse if we did so and lost our ability to cope.

So now we are really screwed. We don't know what to eat and can't get out of our own way to go back to the basics because we can't trust ourselves to do so. We've been told to trust our doctor even though she may be working off of old science (and might not be the picture of health herself). We are so conditioned to dismiss any "new" scientific research that puts the responsibility in our hands instead of the surgeon's knife or pharmacy's pill. And we will believe any new fangled diet book that comes along and revere it as if it was the word of God even if we have no idea who the author is as long as it promises us we can lose 20 pounds in 2 weeks without exercise and without giving up our favorite foods.

We also still can't seem to wrap our minds around the fact that the foods we eat can affect our emotional state and our stress levels which contributes to our chronic pain. And this often creates a vicious cycle.
 
I guess my point is that we can take back control of our minds. We can educate ourselves (it's really not that hard) and climb back into the driver's seat. Some people will want to do so...and some will continue to complain, whine, and seek attention by playing the perpetual victim to 'things' beyond their control. But it's within reach for all of us because we are born with the innate ability to not only survive but to thrive. There are things we need to unlearn and others we need to relearn but the path has been cleared for those willing to take that walk.

Further reading:

“Perfect Weight” and “What Are You Hungry For?” by Deepak Chopra

“Savor: Mindful Eating, Mindful Life” by Thich Nhat Hanh and Lilian Cheung

“Eat, Drink, and Be Mindful” by Susan Albers

"Thrive Foods: 200 Plant-Based Recipes for Peak Health", "The Thrive Diet" and "The Thrive Cookbook: 150 Plant-Based Whole Foods Recipes" by Brendan Brazier

"Women, Food and God: An Unexpected Path to Almost Everything Else" by Geneen Roth

The Extraordinary Science of Addictive Junk Food by Michael Moss (full article)

"Death By Supermarket: The Fattening, Dumbing Down and Poisoning of America" by Nancy Deville

What Doesn't {but almost} Kill Us...

My last blog post I wrote about my own experience with anorexia. I’ve often referred to this time as surreal, like a story I read or a movie I watched…completely detached, as if I was not the protagonist. I guess it’s sort of a defense mechanism on two fronts. One being the embarrassment of having allowed myself to almost die right in front of my parent’s eyes, with no ‘good reason’…a typical white girl from a typical middle-class family, starving herself to death for what?? Even I didn’t know.

My first full day in Charter North Inpatient Hospital (1987).

The second being my embarrassment over the fact that if you met me you would see there is no physical evidence of this illness. To hear me tell this story in the body I have now doesn’t compute…at least not in my head. It’s easy to disassociate myself because the dots just don’t connect. How could someone who ‘dieted’ from 125 pounds to less than 80 pounds in a matter of a few months now struggle to lose (and keep off) even 5 pounds?

What I have managed to hoard away are snippets of distorted eating and thinking…sneaking food, guarding my plate, trying to stretch calories, abhorring any discussion of my food while I’m eating, and a tendency to eat in a structured way (vegetarian, vegan, raw). Intellectually, I know that I still obsess about food, exercise and my weight. I often wonder if fluctuating between the extremes is really all that much better-as if eating half a bag of Doritos is really a healthy way of thumbing my nose at anorexia or dieting in general (only to later “pay for it” by a day of green smoothies, shakes or all veggies and no carbs).

For years now I’ve claimed to be completely recovered from anorexia, and looking at the scale that would be more than true. But, since part of this disorder is about everything except the weight I can see that I am not truly recovered…not completely.

Like a lot of people I know who battle with eating disorders ranging from bulimia to binge eating, healing the exterior doesn’t always mean the inside is fixed as well. In turning to my yoga mat and meditation I find the bandage being ripped off {again} and the pain being exposed. It hurts, it’s raw…and yes, it might seem easier on the surface to let it hide in the dark corners of mind. But I’m ready to heal…face the intermittent sadness and self-doubt (or hate or loathing) that is truly at the root of all of this.

I’m ready to own the illness that that almost killed me rather than pretend it happened to someone else. Twenty-five years of battling my mind and body is long enough.

My Anorexia Had Nothing to do with Photoshop

To be honest, I was never the type of girl to read Cosmo or worry about fashion. I was too busy reading every thing ever written by J.D. Salinger and Stephen King, riding horses and dreaming of competing at the Olympics. Most of my adolescences was spent as a working student at riding stables. My attire consisted of barn clothes for the most part. I cut my hair short since it spent countless hours under a riding helmet and it seemed rather pointless to fight a losing battle against hat-head. I was half tom-boy and half nerd, which was pretty suitable for an introvert like myself.

My horse, Elwood, and me in Redlands, CA. We won High Point that day in Dressage. This was a few months before I had to sell him and move to Alaska when I was 16 years old.

My older sister and I weren't particularly close at the time so I didn't really have anyone to show me the ropes regarding make up and hair or putting together cute outfits. I didn't have a boyfriend in school and therefore didn't attend any dances or social gatherings (did I mention I was a nerd...and an introvert). I also didn't have any weight issues, ate what I felt like eating and didn't do any extra exercises outside of the mandatory P.E. classes and working at the barn.

 

Me at 17 getting ready for Prom. This was taken after being treated for anorexia. I obviously had reverted to my old non-eating habits.

My experience with anorexia falls outside of what most of society thinks triggers such behavior and outside of what the anti-media community believes contributes to this illness (even though I watched plenty of T.V., looked through my mom's women's magazines and watched movies).  For me, anorexia was about control and later turned to self-punishment and then habit. I didn't want to be a model, I didn't feel the pressure to look a different way, and I honestly did not start off with a distorted body image...I was cognizant that I was "normal", maybe even fit. If anything anorexia was a way for me to rebel and be a non-conformist due to some major changes in my life (we moved from California to Alaska the summer before my senior year of high school). I think it's a dangerous assumption, especially for those directly affected by eating disorders, to view this as strictly a weight issue.Trying to convince the individual (or the world) that photoshopped pictures and under weight models are the root of this disease may totally miss the mark in an attempt to place the blame on 'some one else'.**

 

Tell me I should eat and I'll tell you I'm full. Tell me I'm too thin and I'll drop a few more pounds, not because I feel fat...but because I can, regardless of what you think. That was my mentality. When I was finally hospitalized (I was 16 years old, 5'4" and 84 pounds) and forced to take in calories, I found something else to control...my water intake. Water has no calories and obviously would have no impact on my weight but I refused to drink it anyway...and often dumped it into the pillow I sat on to protect my bony body from bruising.

Admittedly, after several months of starving myself, I was terrified of gaining the weight back...terrified that I wouldn't be able to stop the weight gain. I clung to my old habits convinced it would provide a cushion for the inevitable weight gain that comes with age. But this was not the root cause of my illness. So, when it came to trying to win this battle and save my life, I was lost and confused. Most of the doctors I spoke with had little to no experience with anorexia and dealt more with drug abuse, teen alcoholism and the occasional schizophrenic. Assuming that I was only concerned with being thinner was the wrong approach. And while I did get a rush from watching the numbers on scale drop it was only because it meant I was the winner, the one in control.

What caused me to get help? I caught a glimpse of myself in the bathroom mirror...naked...from behind. It was the first time I just saw only an image and not me. What I saw reminded me of the pictures of concentration camp victims...hollowed out buttocks and a spine that was so bony it appeared to be outside of my skin. I was exhausted, scared and although I had often desired to just fall asleep and never wake up, I knew I didn't want to die after all. I asked to go into inpatient care some 350 miles away from my parents and school.

It was not an easy task to recover and it was necessary for me to relearn how to eat. I gained a lot of weight, not just because of my metabolism, but because I forgot how to eat and now knew what it was to 'diet'. Strangely enough, having never had a weight issue before, I soon succumbed to the classic yo-yo dieting, the latest and greatest dieting trends and a 20 year battle of dieting because I had starved myself and forgotten how to eat.

By taking control I really lost control. My body recovered but my mind still hasn't (at least not fully). I find I am more affected by the media now then I ever was when I became anorexic. Affected by the 'new science' behind weight-loss, green smoothies, paleo, the raw food movement, skinny rules, the thousands of diet books, inspirational Facebook posts and Pinterest images depicting the "perfect" body.

I became consumed by food rather than consuming food. It became so much more than fuel for my body...it's the enemy and the comforter, the problem and the solution, the life giver and the life taker and (for many of us) it becomes our all-consuming identity. But in all reality...it's just food...calories that keep the living alive and healthy. Food is not meant to be a punishment or reward. It's not something we 'deserve' because we worked out hard or missed a meal the day before. It's sustenance...just like breathing in oxygen (ya know, we don't say we deserve a big ol' healthy inhalation because we've been 'good'). It's a function of nature.

I have an idea that a lot of us are more alike then maybe we imagined...the chronic dieters, the anorexic and the weight-loss maintainer. Our next meal (or lack there of) is always on our mind, calorie content flashes through our mind when we look at the bakery display and in the back of our minds (maybe just for a fleeting moment) we realize that food is dictating our lives instead of fueling our next adventure.
 

We eat or don't eat for control, we eat or don't eat to hide our emotions and eventually we eat or don't eat because we have forgotten how to feed ourselves. Yet we often prefer to remain in our own little group, unaware of how similar we are...that the overweight person who we view has no self-control is the farthest thing from us, the restrictors...the ones who can turn away even a leaf of lettuce for fear of weight gain. Conversely, the binger or maintainer can hardly fathom that someone who once weighed 84 pounds as an adult can contribute anything to a conversation regarding dieting or the hardships one encounters in maintaining a healthy weight. I think we could learn a lot from each other.

 

The body is miraculous. If left to it's own devises it figures out how to survive and maintain balance. But we interfere and throw a wrench in the gears. We break this symbiosis and then sometimes spend a lifetime trying to figure out how to fix it again. Just like a drug addict or tweaker...we take it apart, try to put it back together and, when that doesn't work, we go look for the next fix. Maybe one day I will actually learn to get out of my own way rather than buying yet another diet book.




 

 

**This is my own opinion based solely on my personal experience with anorexia 20 years ago. There is plenty of research out there to support or deny specific root causes to this illness. What I believe is that the mental illness comes before the pounds come off. Otherwise, everyone who reads Cosmo or looks through a Victoria's Secret catalogue or watches the 100's of movies or TV shows with thin actors and actresses would be anorexic too.

Goal Check...Seven Months Gone...

Some of you may know that every once in a while I like to reflect on my goals (or intentions) throughout the year. Resolutions are easy to make but hard to stick to and earlier this year I noticed people making a conscious effort to move away from making (or calling them) resolutions. I don't know if this is supposed to be a way of being nicer to one's self by not adding the pressure of a "promise to fulfill" or something to live up or setting one's self up for failure since many resolutions do fail but I guess I am stuck in my ways...so I still set goals and make resolutions.

The main goals I wrote about on Dec. 31, 2011 were to live more simply (decluttering), paying off all debt and working on reducing my carbon footprint. Here's where I stand seven months later:

1- Simplify. Back in March the hubby and I moved out of our house and into a 32 foot RV...permanently. We held several yard sales, netting a few thousand dollars, and donated the rest of our clothing and household items to the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. We each have 5 {very} small dresser drawers and about 18" of closet space for all of our clothes. Storage is extremely limited so a side benefit is that we have not been able to make many purchases without having to get rid of something else to make room. It has been liberating (except when we get invited out and I feel like I have nothing to wear...and this time it's true).

2- Pay off all debt. Almost done with this one! With reduced expenses like no huge mortgage or utilities, not shopping as a hobby, cutting out all subscriptions (living on the road means cutting back on mail delivery), switching to a Virgin Mobile cell phone(pay as you go) and no big vacations we've been able to pay off a significant portion of our debt. Granted our original debt was just a few credit cards...both of our vehicles are paid off (and older models)...but it feels good watching the balances go down each month.

3-Continue to reduce my carbon foot-print. I'm proud to say that I remember my reusable grocery bags 99% of the time...my husband (a pretend non-greenie) reminds me 0.5% and the other .05% we both forget and end up with a bunch of bags great for cleaning the litter box. Oh, and we've practically eliminated the use of bottled water opting for our Pur Water Pitcher and reusable bottles.

In addition to "the bags", I now make my own household cleaners, air freshener, carpet deodorizer, facial cleanser and moisturizer. I will be using this 'recipe' for laundry detergent just as soon as I use up what I already have. I have gone back to a glycerin based shampoo and deep conditioner but now only wash my hair maybe 2 or 3 times a week.

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My other intentions for the year included climbing Mt. Shasta, which doesn't look like it will happen. With all of the changes going on it just wasn't working out. As far as meditation...well, that's something I am working on and hope to really put some effort into now that I'm reading Start Where You Are: A Guide to Compassionate Living by Pema Chodron for a book club on Elephant Journal.

Speaking of Elephant Journal...I finally did it. I submitted a short story and actually got it published on their wonderful site!! It was terrifying and exhilarating. I wrote about my father and was able to include a few excerpts from his writing as well. I am even more inspired now to continue writing and maybe even submit future stories. The most important thing is that I was able to include my dad's writing, which I really want to continue in the future.

As far as my Anti-Resolution...to not focus on weight-loss...well, I'd have to say I've been fairly successful. When I made this declaration in no way did I intended it to mean I would start eating donuts and ice cream and disregard my health. I still eat very well and, since I'm training for a full marathon in September, I am still exercising and running almost every day. But, I'm not freaking out about calories, I'm not weighing myself, I'm not skipping meals or chastising myself for eating a handful of chips (and paying a penance later). And guess what??? My clothes fit better and I feel more relaxed.

With just five more months left in the year (and two months until we hit the road) we will continue to simplfy and declutter to lighten up the load (and gas needs) in the RV. Once I completely (for as long as I can that is) stop working I will be launching our Full-time RV travel blog and writing every day (blog posts or articles/stories to submit or just for the sake of writing).

For those of you who made resolutions/intentions or set goals (or whatever you call them) how has your year been so far?

Hate-Loss Challenge Week 2

This week's Hate-Loss topic is about self-acceptance and living our lives in the "now". For a more detailed explanation please refer to this post at Fat Girl Wearing Thin.

Exercise for the week:

Think about the answers to these esteem-deflating questions.  How often do you carry these thought around with you on a daily basis?

My life would be so much better if I were only:

I’d be so much happier if I had a better:

I wish I weighed:

When I look in the mirror, the first thing I criticize about myself is my:

The one negative word that I use about myself over and over again is:

Now, answer these questions so that they can be seen by everyone reading your update:

I often receive the most compliments on my hair, eyes and smile.

What I admire most about myself when I look at my reflection is I look damn good (for a 40+ year old). {Okay, I might have a little bit more work to do here.}

I take pride in my work ethic and ability to challenge myself.

I love the fact that I can get dirty and play hard yet still look pretty in a dress.

My greatest quality is I'm easy going and easy to get along with.

Over the past couple of years I have been working hard at taking it easy on myself. Yes, I still set goals and challenge myself with difficult endeavors (like Tough Mudder, running a marathon, and now Climbing Mt. Shasta) but my approach has been one of celebrating my body and what it can do rather than punishing it. 

In the past I've joined in many different challenges, most of them focusing on weight-loss or physical challenges that seem more about quantity over quality. For someone like me, it is easy to become so wrapped up in these challenges that I will do almost anything to accomplish that goal...even things that are truly harmful (like fasting, over-exercising and exercising when injured). All the while, my desire to achieve these goals has been based on my dislike of my own body, focusing only on those parts of my body I 'hate'...it was a sort of punishment.

Perhaps it's my age or the fact that this past year I have been face-to-face with other people who are just like me that I've been much more aware of the harm I've been doing to myself, both physically and emotionally. I found myself getting irritated with a few friends because I felt they were either training incorrectly and ignoring their nutritional needs, or both. I found them extremely competitive and their ego's were out of control. Because I had such a strong reaction I decided to really explore where these feelings were coming from and what they were really about. What I found not only surprised me, but caused a bit of embarrassment. It was as if I was looking into a mirror...the things I was so pissed about were the very same things I was 'guilty' of doing...basically an on-going reward and punishment system that not only kept my weight yo-yoing but also was emotionally draining. I was constantly stressed out and often took my frustrations out on myself or my loved ones.

For me, taking the time to be introspective and question my own thoughts has revealed a new acceptance of my self. Sure, part of me would still love to lose 10 or 15 or maybe even 20 pounds (that's the side of me that wants to wear a skimpy string bikini this summer) but the other side of me wants to be able to celebrate my life without always feeling like I'm not quite good enough to celebrate. My body is amazing. I'm so fortunate to have full function of my limbs, I'm healthy, injury free and have a love for adventure. How on earth would it make sense to try to put life on hold until I feel I meet some ideal weight goal??

After spelunking down 165 feet!!

Either way, the days, weeks, months and years will pass. I can weigh 8 pounds too much (by whose standard anyway??) and have a great time hiking around Calaveras County with my new husband, or I can sit at home, making meal plans, counting calories and opting to not to go on any trips (I'd just spend all of that time, surrounded by beauty, worried about how my muffin top might look in the pictures anyway) until I reach some arbitrary goal. When those thoughts creep in (and they do) I ask myself "will this matter in one year? Five years? 20 years? When I'm dead?"...

That spec is me on the zip-line...1500 feet of zipping over the tree line. Weeeeeeee!

I'm healthy, and other than vanity, there is no logical reason for me to worry about losing weight. There is no one out there in this world whose judgement of my weight has any sort of impact on my life. I won't make any more money if I lose weight, I won't magically become happier if I weighed less, I won't become rich and famous nor will my quality of life improve. What am I waiting for? Nothing...

Why "weight-loss" is not part of my resolutions...

For so many years I've made New Years Resolutions which always included weight loss goals or ways to improve my body. This year, I want to shift my focus more on living my life. Don't get me wrong...I'd still love to have a perfect beach body and I'm certainly not throwing in the towel {completely} on my diet and exercise...but I no longer want to be imprisoned by these types of goals. I've been finding myself using such an immense amount of energy (mentally and physically) focusing almost solely on how much I weight or what size pants I wear only to find that at the end of the year not much has changed. 


Yes, I've suffered through some horrible, tasteless meals, spent a small fortune on 'diet' foods, literally starved myself and opted out of some incredible experiences in order to stay true to my diet and in the end, even if I've lost weight and/or gained muscle, I'm still not satisfied with my results. In the face of this reality I must confess that I may never be satisfied with my weight or size so why...why would I continue to use up my valuable resources (my mind, energy, emotional well-being, my health) for the pursuit of a goal I may never attain. I'm at a healthy weight, I know this intellectually, and I enjoy great health...but my mind (body dysmorphia) will not allow me to be "done" with the constant need for improvement. So, this year, my intention is to let go and focus on the larger picture.



My intentions for 2012:


Live simply:


A- Simplify. We will soon be moving out of our house and into the R.V. This will necessitate some major downsizing. It will be hard, those decisions that involve sentimental items and things with 'value' that we will never be able to recoupe the costs by selling. But it will also be liberating.


B- Pay off all debt...there is no choice here...it must be accomplished before December 2012 (retirement D-day).

C- Continue to reduce my carbon-footprint. Last year (2011) I vowed to use my Pur water filter and stainless steel reusable water bottles along with my reusable grocery bags. Although I forgot several times, I was fairly consistant with both promises. This year I plan on using homemade cleaning supplies (which will also be useful and frugal once we are in the RV) and ride my bike more. Currently, it would be possible for me to ride to work (8 miles one way) but it depends on where and when we move if I can continue to do this...otherwise I hope to be able to ride it while running errands.

Empower myself by actively pursuing my dreams:


A- Write. Okay, more precisely, submit some articles and guest posts...even if it scares the crap out of me to do so. {Bucket List Item}


B- Climb Mt. Shasta. I've put it off long enough. If I save $100 a month, by July I will have more than enough to cover expenses, plus that is generally the best time to attempt to summit. I will also be diverting funds I might normally use to enter running races into my climb...so fewer races so that I may reach a bigger and more important goal. {Bucket List Item}


3- Meditate...everyday...even if only for a few minutes. Build up constancy.

Mt. Shasta

Purging {to save my sanity}...

As I have become more involved with Social Media it's come to my attention that, just as in "real" life, my cyber life often needs to be revisited and prioritized.  Whether it be blogs or Twitter chats, I have recently become aware of the need to place more value on my time and cull the sources of information that I either no longer benefit from or can't contribute to any more (those that I feel my input falls on deaf ears).  It's a natural process yet I still feel guilty thinking of potentially removing a couple of blogs from my already over-whelmed Google Reader.

A few of the things that I am having trouble with lately involve those blogs that have become either all-day, every-day wedding posts as well as the "I'm Pregnant" posts.  Don't get me wrong, I am thrilled to tears when I find out someone is getting married or having a baby but I just can't find the time to read post after post of "25 MORE potential wedding venues" or "Here is our list of baby names..add your favorite in the comments section and we will use RandomGenerator to pick our baby's name".  I know that's harsh, after all, my own few readers may not give a crap that I like author David Sedaris or that I'm training for another stupid marathon, but there are so many wonderful blogs out there that I am finding it difficult to find time to read the ones I can't relate to.  (Note: These are blogs that I was reading sporadically that evolved very rapidly from health/running to almost strictly wedding/baby oriented reads, I have the same 'issue' with a few blogs I thought I liked but mostly seem to lack content in favor of posting daily about random things (like traffic or an hour-by-hour recount of their day)...I haven't built a 'relationship' with any of these bloggers and mostly just cyber-stalked them.  Had they been "friends" I, of course, would be thrilled to be a part of their new life circumstances.)

But the main thing that dawned on me after a recent Twitter chat was the emphasis that many, many people (not just bloggers or twitter users) place on food.  There's the WIAW (What I Ate Wednesday) posts, which are sometimes cool because you can actually *see* what some healthy, clean eating people eat that contributes to their healthy lifestyle, but this latest chat really seemed to be bordering on obsession with questions like: "what's your favorite cheat food?", "what are your favorite sweet snacks? salty?"...I swear, halfway through it all I felt like eating half a bag of Chex Mix followed by a hunk of dark chocolate (I may or may not have actually followed through on this thought, I truly can't recall).

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It seems that many of us that try to focus on healthy eating or weight loss already have, shall we say, an unhealthy obsessions with food in some way.  Whether a binge eater, emotional eater, calorie restrictor, or exercise bulimic we probably spend far too much time thinking about what we will eat at our next meal, how many calories we've already consumed and often are plotting how to make a low calorie dessert even lower calorie.  So, while I want to be able to remain supportive, I also find that I need to protect my own sanity.  I've actually found myself living more 'in the moment' lately (this is a HUGE accomplishment) and to do that I can't be worried about how many more hours until my next meal...let alone what cheat food I would like to eat when I know I will not 'allow' it anyway.

Me, age 17, getting ready for Senior Prom.

This type of thinking only reminds me of the dark days of my anorexia.  I literally spent the majority of my days making lists of foods and food combinations that would maximize a feeling of fullness with the least amount of calories.  While I was failing Chemistry (I only passed with a C because the entire school felt sorry for me) I was filling my notebook with these calculations rather than deciphering the Periodic Table.  I dropped my Pre-Calculus course (which I was doing well in) because all of those numbers interfered with what I felt were more important numbers...the calorie count in every food known to man.  Although I really wasn't eating (I survived, and I use that term loosely, on diet sodas and clear broth) I was spending an unimaginable amount of time THINKING about eating.

While I viewed my own body as grotesque and imperfect I didn't see others in the same way. My mother, who I love dearly, has struggled with her weight for most of my childhood.  During the time I was anorexic she would have been classified as obese, maybe even morbidly obese...yet I didn't 'judge' her or even feel the slightest bit of disgust at her weight that I felt towards my own.  For me, anorexia was an internal beast...I could look at a fit, healthy person and wish I looked like her although I was 30-60 pounds lighter.

Source

The battles that go on the minds of the binger and the anorexic are often the same...it's about control and the stifling of emotions.  Both generally suffer body dismorphia (distorted body image) and use food to 'penalize' their disappointment in the self.  Anorexics punish themselves by withholding food (and sometimes water) while bingers

I'm beginning to think that if I could just release the obsession...maybe spend 15% of my day concerned with food...that everything would fall into place naturally because no matter how obsessed, no matter what weight I've been (too thin, too fat) I have not found that 'happy place' for my self-image.  Obviously, if THINKING about food and calories could get me my dream body I'd be a successful fitness model by now.  I've read countless diet books...way more books on this one subject than is required for any university level degree program for almost ANY profession yet I STILL scan through new diet books and read about the latest and greatest diets that seem to spring up almost daily.  I've come to the realization that this isn't working...and it isn't healthy, for me.

Source: I highly recommend reading this article by the above artist.

So goes another Tough Love episode in my life.  Rather than focusing on trimming the fat off of my mid-section I am going to trim it off of the daily bombardment of food obsessed, diet obsessed, reading material in an effort to get me back to living in the present.  Please don't get me wrong...there are many 'weight-loss' and 'healthy-living' blogs that I adore and will continue to read, and I understand that it does help some people to talk out their food battles on their blogs while getting support from this community.  I will always be a supporter of these blogs/friends, people who delve into the emotional side of their eating disorders and can offer the kind of insight I have {hopefully} just gained.  And I hope to do the same for someone else.

The Chronic...(dieter)

First I just wanted to sat that I am very flattered and humbled to have had Ellen, over at Fat Girl Wearing Thin, link my last blog post to hers.  When I got up yesterday morning and checked there it was...my name on her blog, and let me tell you, her post is a GREAT read and very much in line with what I've been pondering lately.

Frosty morning...calling for SNOW this week!!

You see, as a chronic dieter and fitness pursuer, I have found that no matter what is going on in my life, I am constantly challenging myself to either give something up or add something good to my diet.  Seeing similar posts from people questioning their old habits as they try to determine if their actions are merely residual motions they've 'learned' and cannot give up now, or a true attempt to continue on the life and health improvement path has left me wondering about my own motivation.  It seems as though once I've tackled one challenge (like losing 15 pounds by any means necessary) I move on to the next...like giving up artificial sweeteners, then processed foods, then gluten, and now I am contemplating cutting back on caffeine.  But I now think that my best bet would be to determine WHY I feel the need to do this sort of thing before just jumping in whole-heartedly.

Sure, I could easily say that these are 'healthy' decisions and would most likely improve my well-being (except for giving up caffeine, which may be down-right dangerous) but I am beginning to think that my eating-disorder (whether I look way back to my days with anorexia or full on binge eating) is still hanging around...and may do so forever.  Am I simply testing myself over and over again?  Am I trying to 'prove' to myself that I can be strong enough to deny certain foods even though I now find it impossible to give up eating as I did when I was anorexic?  Is this just another form of extreme dieting and/or depravation?  Or am I pushing myself to find my breaking point...and basically setting myself up for failure?

I have read about people who have gone on plans like Nutrisystem ( a wonderful plan that led to my 15 pound weight loss, in a healthy way), who continue to eat the program foods on a daily basis, even after they reach their goal weight.  They talk about not having eaten a french fry in 5 years.  Obviously this works for them and they are successfully maintaining their goal weight and, by all outward appearances, live a happy life.  Food becomes a no brainer, there's no need to experiment or try new things, no temptations to over-eat because you know the plan and it's all laid out for you...yet it makes me wonder if we are all doomed to be perpetual dieters. I suppose, for these people, it is a healthy way to live because the alternative may mean going back to all of their old, bad habits.  But does dieting foe ME mean that no matter what I learn or how long I remain at my goal weight, I will always be looking for that next diet challenge?

I certainly don't think that eating pre-packaged 'diet' foods for the rest of my life is the answer.  While it may work for some, I KNOW that I want to eat whole, unprocessed foods.  And I don't necessarily want to place so many restrictions on myself that I can't enjoy a glass (or 3) of wine, a bite of homemade cheesecake on occasion, or a couple of french fries (although I'm not a big fry fan).  So why then am I so adamant about randomly restricting other things?

Perhaps I am still in the process of learning balance.  I tend to think of my eating disorder as something that happened to a different me...an out of body experience.  It was so long ago and not something that I could (or would) do again...I can't wrap my brain around the idea of starving myself like that again.  Yet, like I stated in my previous post, I am still struggling with balance...with not doing things to the extreme, trusting myself, and most importantly, accepting myself as I am.  I get stuck in the mindset that with all of my exercising and healthy eating I should look like a fitness model yet all I see is a spare tire and muffin top.  That's when I have to stop and get real, reminding myself that HEALTH is the ultimate goal...not the number on the scale or the size of my jeans.

 

Life is for living and I need to remind myself of that more often.  And while I don't want to have my life revolve around food, I know that for now, it will be a dominating thought.  The key will be to not be critical or extreme.  To take a deep breath, refocus on my goals and see if what I want to persue fits into my ultimate goal of a healthy, happy, productive life...and not merely another way for Lynn to be self-deprecating.  Emotionally, I feel really good, even if there is still some confusion...I know that as my body gets healthier, my mind does too...and vice versa.  I just never realized that there would be such a long learning curve.