My Anorexia Had Nothing to do with Photoshop

To be honest, I was never the type of girl to read Cosmo or worry about fashion. I was too busy reading every thing ever written by J.D. Salinger and Stephen King, riding horses and dreaming of competing at the Olympics. Most of my adolescences was spent as a working student at riding stables. My attire consisted of barn clothes for the most part. I cut my hair short since it spent countless hours under a riding helmet and it seemed rather pointless to fight a losing battle against hat-head. I was half tom-boy and half nerd, which was pretty suitable for an introvert like myself.

My horse, Elwood, and me in Redlands, CA. We won High Point that day in Dressage. This was a few months before I had to sell him and move to Alaska when I was 16 years old.

My older sister and I weren't particularly close at the time so I didn't really have anyone to show me the ropes regarding make up and hair or putting together cute outfits. I didn't have a boyfriend in school and therefore didn't attend any dances or social gatherings (did I mention I was a nerd...and an introvert). I also didn't have any weight issues, ate what I felt like eating and didn't do any extra exercises outside of the mandatory P.E. classes and working at the barn.

 

Me at 17 getting ready for Prom. This was taken after being treated for anorexia. I obviously had reverted to my old non-eating habits.

My experience with anorexia falls outside of what most of society thinks triggers such behavior and outside of what the anti-media community believes contributes to this illness (even though I watched plenty of T.V., looked through my mom's women's magazines and watched movies).  For me, anorexia was about control and later turned to self-punishment and then habit. I didn't want to be a model, I didn't feel the pressure to look a different way, and I honestly did not start off with a distorted body image...I was cognizant that I was "normal", maybe even fit. If anything anorexia was a way for me to rebel and be a non-conformist due to some major changes in my life (we moved from California to Alaska the summer before my senior year of high school). I think it's a dangerous assumption, especially for those directly affected by eating disorders, to view this as strictly a weight issue.Trying to convince the individual (or the world) that photoshopped pictures and under weight models are the root of this disease may totally miss the mark in an attempt to place the blame on 'some one else'.**

 

Tell me I should eat and I'll tell you I'm full. Tell me I'm too thin and I'll drop a few more pounds, not because I feel fat...but because I can, regardless of what you think. That was my mentality. When I was finally hospitalized (I was 16 years old, 5'4" and 84 pounds) and forced to take in calories, I found something else to control...my water intake. Water has no calories and obviously would have no impact on my weight but I refused to drink it anyway...and often dumped it into the pillow I sat on to protect my bony body from bruising.

Admittedly, after several months of starving myself, I was terrified of gaining the weight back...terrified that I wouldn't be able to stop the weight gain. I clung to my old habits convinced it would provide a cushion for the inevitable weight gain that comes with age. But this was not the root cause of my illness. So, when it came to trying to win this battle and save my life, I was lost and confused. Most of the doctors I spoke with had little to no experience with anorexia and dealt more with drug abuse, teen alcoholism and the occasional schizophrenic. Assuming that I was only concerned with being thinner was the wrong approach. And while I did get a rush from watching the numbers on scale drop it was only because it meant I was the winner, the one in control.

What caused me to get help? I caught a glimpse of myself in the bathroom mirror...naked...from behind. It was the first time I just saw only an image and not me. What I saw reminded me of the pictures of concentration camp victims...hollowed out buttocks and a spine that was so bony it appeared to be outside of my skin. I was exhausted, scared and although I had often desired to just fall asleep and never wake up, I knew I didn't want to die after all. I asked to go into inpatient care some 350 miles away from my parents and school.

It was not an easy task to recover and it was necessary for me to relearn how to eat. I gained a lot of weight, not just because of my metabolism, but because I forgot how to eat and now knew what it was to 'diet'. Strangely enough, having never had a weight issue before, I soon succumbed to the classic yo-yo dieting, the latest and greatest dieting trends and a 20 year battle of dieting because I had starved myself and forgotten how to eat.

By taking control I really lost control. My body recovered but my mind still hasn't (at least not fully). I find I am more affected by the media now then I ever was when I became anorexic. Affected by the 'new science' behind weight-loss, green smoothies, paleo, the raw food movement, skinny rules, the thousands of diet books, inspirational Facebook posts and Pinterest images depicting the "perfect" body.

I became consumed by food rather than consuming food. It became so much more than fuel for my body...it's the enemy and the comforter, the problem and the solution, the life giver and the life taker and (for many of us) it becomes our all-consuming identity. But in all reality...it's just food...calories that keep the living alive and healthy. Food is not meant to be a punishment or reward. It's not something we 'deserve' because we worked out hard or missed a meal the day before. It's sustenance...just like breathing in oxygen (ya know, we don't say we deserve a big ol' healthy inhalation because we've been 'good'). It's a function of nature.

I have an idea that a lot of us are more alike then maybe we imagined...the chronic dieters, the anorexic and the weight-loss maintainer. Our next meal (or lack there of) is always on our mind, calorie content flashes through our mind when we look at the bakery display and in the back of our minds (maybe just for a fleeting moment) we realize that food is dictating our lives instead of fueling our next adventure.
 

We eat or don't eat for control, we eat or don't eat to hide our emotions and eventually we eat or don't eat because we have forgotten how to feed ourselves. Yet we often prefer to remain in our own little group, unaware of how similar we are...that the overweight person who we view has no self-control is the farthest thing from us, the restrictors...the ones who can turn away even a leaf of lettuce for fear of weight gain. Conversely, the binger or maintainer can hardly fathom that someone who once weighed 84 pounds as an adult can contribute anything to a conversation regarding dieting or the hardships one encounters in maintaining a healthy weight. I think we could learn a lot from each other.

 

The body is miraculous. If left to it's own devises it figures out how to survive and maintain balance. But we interfere and throw a wrench in the gears. We break this symbiosis and then sometimes spend a lifetime trying to figure out how to fix it again. Just like a drug addict or tweaker...we take it apart, try to put it back together and, when that doesn't work, we go look for the next fix. Maybe one day I will actually learn to get out of my own way rather than buying yet another diet book.




 

 

**This is my own opinion based solely on my personal experience with anorexia 20 years ago. There is plenty of research out there to support or deny specific root causes to this illness. What I believe is that the mental illness comes before the pounds come off. Otherwise, everyone who reads Cosmo or looks through a Victoria's Secret catalogue or watches the 100's of movies or TV shows with thin actors and actresses would be anorexic too.

Which of these things does not belong...

Source

As I sit here nursing a sore back, unable to run or P90X or even do core work, I thought I'd take the time to write about a topic that Ellen {love her} at Fat Girl Wearing Thin addressed the other day {please read it right now but don't forget to come back!}.  She is an amazing writer so I fear I won't do the topic justice, but with her encouragement, and my desire to write about my own experiences, I am taking the leap.

Ellen spoke about the "after" of weight loss, that basically once one reaches their 'goal weight' it is extremely hard to find a group of supportive people who can help one STAY at their goal weight.  For many, losing weight isn't the end-all be-all.  It's can be a very slippery slope and not some magical event that means one never has to worry about calories or workouts ever again {sorry to burst anyone's bubble, I thought the same thing when I grew my hair out, that somehow I would know how to french braid...but I don't}.  Well, for me, it was more like being pushed out of the nest.

My original support group came from a weight-loss website where I posted in several different forums.  We would bounce ideas, recipes, work outs, motivation, inspiration, and tips off of each other and often had 'challenges' to keep each other accountable.  I lost about 15 pounds all the while posting on this site.  It was wonderful to have the support and encouragement from so many others.  In return I also posted and answered questions, provided motivation (I think) and cheered for the other members.

Then something weird happened.  I started getting strange replies.  If I offered encouragement I would get comments back like "Easy for you to say, you're already thin" *{but I wasn't before}.  If I gave some ideas to control binging I'd get back "you just don't understand food obsession" {umm, I spent every waking moment obsessed with food when I was anorexic and then started binge eating and doubled my body weight in an unhealthy amount of time}.  At one point a fellow member told me I was lucky to have been anorexic and she wished she could be too just to be thin.  If you don't learn ANYTHING else from the ramblings in my blog please understand that you should NEVER, under ANY circumstances, say this to someone...okay?? Okay.

Let me say, I made several friends on this site and while they DID provide support I decided it was better to get off of the site and take those friendships to Facebook {Sheri ♥}.  Perhaps I internalized the replies I was getting rather then letting them roll off of my back and assume the other person was just 'hurting' and needed to vent {read: lash out}.  But the comments were hurting me as well.  It's not like a person loses weight and somehow their self-esteem is through the roof and we become so self-confident that words can no longer hurt us.  For the most part, many of us are the SAME people we were when we were heavier.

It's extremely discouraging to feel so displaced.  There's still that chubby girl inside, which for me is amplified by the fact that I used to be so thin when I was anorexic.  I mean, I sometimes wonder how I can be the same person...the girl who all but stopped eating and went from 127 pound to 84 pounds in about 3 months AND the one who started binging and went from 84 pounds to 165+ pounds in about 6 months AND the one who STILL struggles to keep her weight down to this day.

I often feel there is no 'support group' for me...except of course the blog/twitter world {which I love dearly}.  Of the recovered anorexics I've met most are just the opposite of me...very thin and often fighting the urge to NOT slip back to those days.  As Ellen stated in her post, there aren't really any groups to support 'maintainers' due to the lack of celebratory milestones.  And, from what I have found, I don't often find my insights and opinion welcome with the still losing group...perhaps I come across as too "tough love"...but I certainly don't think it's fair for me to be judged as not empathetic or able to relate simply because I look 'skinny' in my avatar.  And, at times, I don't feel that I fit in with the "normal" people...you know, the ones who eat when they are hungry, eat what they like and stop when they are full...they can self-regulate without guilt and generally maintain a healthy weight while making it look effortless.

I realize that on some level, I am overly sensitive on the whole weight subject.  When my 'normal' friends offer me something I deem as unhealthy or fattening they aren't being mean.  And when they tease me about ordering a Skinny Margarita and salad with dressing on the side it's probably more of a compliment then a put-down.  I shouldn't be as judgmental about their intensions as I felt the 'weight loss website' people were being about me.

I suppose I need to re-read what I closed with in my comment on Ellen's post:

"For me, it really boils down to finding a definition for myself that is outside of ‘dieter’ or ‘former fat chick’. I’m neither of those now, and it probably would have been healthier for me to have NEVER identified myself as those things before but in other terms…daughter, hard worker, runner, horseback rider, girlfriend, awesome friend, cool chick =), etc.

There are tons of benefits maintaining a healthy weight and for some of us it will be hard work, forever. But, for me personally, the more I develop other areas of my life and create happiness in all of the big AND small things, the more I can relinquish my old mentality that keeps me trapped in that one dimensional dieter’s plane."

*Even though I personally would like to lose a few more pounds I am within a healthy range and, for the most part, don't obsess about my weight.  Note that having been anorexic, THIS is a huge accomplishment.