|Me getting ready for prom, 1988, about 89 pounds.|
For years I have felt that I was simply an observer of my eating disorder...that I had healed/recovered so long ago that it was almost like it happened to another person, not me. But I still have a few odd habits...the need to feel satiated is one of them. There were "tricks" I learned to deceive my stomach into feeling like I'd eaten...filling up on warm liquids (coffee, tea, broth), diet soda (sometimes up to a 12 pack of Diet Coke a day), air popped popcorn, plain lettuce, and watering down things to make them stretch (ie adding water to pancake mix and thinning it out so much that is barely held together and then eating these watery crepes with sugar-free syrup). But, as I sit here now, I realize that I still do a lot of these things. I have no idea anymore if that is good or bad. What I do know is that my body is no longer changing...I am working our 6 days a week yet seeing no real improvements. It's time to take a deeper look, to be honest, to deal with the issues that are apparently still there.
There is a fine line for me between an acceptable level of dieting and compulsive dieting and working out. It's frustrating because I feel that had I NOT been anorexic then no matter how hard I work out now, no one would question me or my motivation. Maybe I am mentally sabotaging myself because I can't accept or deal with this issue. When you feel like your eating disorder was an out-of-body experience yet you are held to a different 'standard' for fear of slipping back into those habits, it feels like a no win situation...I am constantly guarded, having to explain to family and/or friends that I am NOT starving myself if they find out I've lost 5 pounds. Or that I am not over doing it because I want to run a marathon. Self-doubt creeps back in and second guess my own motivation, diet and exercise habits...and basically stay the same.
It's time I regain my confidence and self-esteem. To trust that I can take care of this body without over-thinking and over-analyzing every little thing I do. I KNOW the right things to do...proper nutrition, proper training, the need for rest, to not obsess about the scale. I know to measure my improvement by improved endurance, how my clothes fit, inches lost, body fat percentage, and over-all well-being. And I need to realize that my family and friends are only concerned because they love me and I don't need to get defensive, assuming they are criticizing my health goals (which then leads me to self-sabotage). I can see, in my mind's eye, exactly where I want to be and I know how to get there...now I just have to get out of my own way!
Tofu Steak Stir-Fry
1 pound package of Lite Tofu (extra firm)
4 TBS nutritional yeast
1/2 tsp garlic powder
1 bunch of bok choy
2 small sweet potatoes, cooked and cut into pieces
2 cups cooked quinoa
1 TBS Bragg Liquid Aminos, 1 TBS water
salt and pepper to taste
1-Drain and press tofu to remove as much water as possible. Slice into 1/4" steaks.
2-Dredge steaks in mixture of yeast and garlic powder.
3-Brown steaks in a pan sprayed with cooking spray.
4-Stir fry bok choy in sprayed pan til starting to wilt.
5- Add quinoa, sweet potatoes, Braggs and water, stirring to coat. Add salt and pepper to taste.
6-Carefully combine tofu steaks and heat entire mixture.
1/4 cup roasted cashews
2 cloves garlic, peeled
1/2 tsp tamari
1/4 cup mirin
1-Combine all ingredients in food processor or blender until creamy.
2-Top stir fry with cashew sauce.