What was the most important lesson you learned about yourself in 2011? Was it a sudden epiphany or a gradual realization?
"At the center of your being you have the answer; you know who you are and you know what you want." ~Lao Tzu
I've learned a lot this year, or re-learned a lot to be more precise. Most recently I've realized that I continue to do things based on my perception of other people's expectations. This is something I am still wrapping my brain around, and thus, not exactly a lesson learned but the syllibus has been presented.
The most important lesson I did learn, which was an epiphany while writing a blog post (unpublished thus far), was that I am currently living as if past hurts are my present. It dawned on me that I was living with the pain of comments made to me 24 years ago (when I was 17) by a person who is of no consequence in my life. And that this person a) has no idea that what he said caused me pain and b) probably doesn't even remember the comments.
I had given a string of words the power to affect my self-esteem, doubt my "worth" and negate any other person's opinion of me if it contradicted these past words. How strange that I would believe those words, internalize them and 'become' them while I dismissed the positive and encouraging words from those I love and trust, who are a part of my life now, as if they were lying to me!
This lesson was always within me, the answer on the tip of my tongue. Writing, for me, is therapeutic and reveals things my mind sometimes can't until it is in black and white...
“When the heart truly understands, it lets go of everything.” ~ Ajahn Chah
Photo credit: Harry B. Weber (my late father)
What did you let go of this year? Whom did you let go?o
"Anicca. Anicca. Anicca. Everything that arises passes away sooner or later. It’s a fact of life. You know it, I know it. And yet we so often want to deny the fact. Pretend like things can stay the same, relationships can stay the same, people don’t change, there is some semblance of sameness, of control. The sooner we can accept the reality of constant change, the better. Breathe it in. The present moment only lasts a moment. Change is the only constant. The only “stability” to be found is in change itself."
Although I have been attempting to live simply these past few years, a series of events this year has caused me to revisit this concept. After losing my job 2 years ago I accepted a position making 30% less than I had been used to. And then this year, I was faced with yet another cut in pay and reduction in work hours. In a panic I started applying for jobs to either supplement my income or replace it all together. But what I found was that there are things more important than dollars. Sitting down with my boyfriend, we figured that not only could we afford my cut in pay (another 30%) but that it worked in our favor. We now had the same days off and could take mini-vacations without having to ask for time off.
By letting go of the idea that I needed to contribute x amount of money to the household I learned that we could make some adjustments, let go of expectations of what our household 'needs' and gain a better appreciation of our time together. We eat simple, creative meals. We make every outing a special occasion in it's own way. We go camp more (instead of taking an expensive cruise) and spend time with our closest friends rather than holding the huge parties we had in the past. And best of all, we are both looking forward to letting go of more of our possessions. By letting go we have become more liberated.
Where have you discovered community in 2011? What are the defining characteristics and essential qualities of your tribe?
Team in Training
"New friends" from the Police Department (before the start of Tough Mudder)
Still friends after an exhausting day of team work challenges (after Tough Mudder)
"Community comes in a plethora of forms, and the people we choose to surround ourselves with matter a lot. Communities can be found online as well as in the flesh. Locally and internationally. Intimately small and mind-bogglingly grand. So, who’s in your clan? Where do you bond with kindred spirits? Who are your kinfolk?" ~Michelle Fajkus
Simply being with other people who are also seekers and who are involved in the same quest you are is very meaningful. ~Dan Wakefield
This is actually something I've been thinking a lot about lately as I've been struggling with dwindling physical relationships and, subsequently, the need to develop my online ones. Sadly, I have found that many of my 'local tribe' are not as available as those I have found though the blog world and, as much as I enjoy these online friendships and the support they offer, I really do miss sitting across from a 'real' person while sipping some coffee or wine.
I have found a sense of community with Team in Training, having met people I now consider close friends. We share a passion for running, for finding a cure, for charity, gratitude and living in the moment, which we learned from our honorees. There are my book club friends who range in age from 40 to 60+. For us, it isn't always about the book (as a matter of fact it seems it's rarely about the book), but rather it's about sharing time and thoughts with one another. Through them I have learned to open my mind and seek truths from all sides. And I have found community from my new friends, introduced to me by my fiance through his work as a police officer. Through these friends and their spouses I have learned that even though we may have different views on a plethora of topics (you know, the taboo ones like religion and politics), there are often bigger things that draw people together and balance out these differences. This was beautifully, albeit tragically, expressed when one of the officers in our neighboring town was killed causing an outpouring of support, charity and love from this tribe.
Honestly, I am still seeking to build my community, something more authentic with encouragement to grow, explore, reveal and really be myself. {Fortunately, this is what I have found in my soon-to-be spouse.} On the same token, I am working at becoming a better tribeswoman so that I can offer those things in return.
"Reverb is a means of reflection on the year that has passed and looking forward to the coming year. It provides us with an opportunity to celebrate life and mourn losses together."
Lower Lola Montez Lake, Cisco Grove, Ca
"'Reverb11' is a month-long daily writing practice with prompts for each day in December", writes Michelle Fajkus, the founder and director of Yoga Freedom. As an avid reader of Elephant Journal, I was intrigued by these words. In my previous post, I had talked about several goals I wished to pursue, one being a recommitment to my meditation and another to try to publish some of my dad's stories to 'prove' something to him (and myself). Well, the desire to become a 'writer' is my "something". The idea of committing to 31 days of writing, which follows along the basic principles of yoga such as liberating ourselves from the notion of who we are, being thoughtful and mindful as well as Self-realization and Self-transformation, has struck a cord.
I am going to use my blog for my Reverb11 posts (if I can figure out the "tabs" feature that would be great). After some review of past posts, and a renewed desire to fulfill my personal goals, I've decided that my blog needs a little more direction. Hopefully, this will start me off on the right foot. Without further ado, here is today's Reverb11 prompt:
Encapsulate your 2011 in one word. Why that word? What would you like your word to be for 2012? Why?
"Show up. Step on the mat, sit at the desk, execute yoga poses and breathe consciously. Write words on the page and keep breathing consciously. By doing so, you automatically shape time. You have chosen to make time for creative expression. You have prioritized yoga and writing above all else, for the duration. This is a gift to your best self." ~Michelle Fajkus
From a friend's garden. Loomis, Ca.
Awaken...my word for 2011. It has been a year of reconnecting to my Self. Accepting challenges, pushing the boundaries of my comfort-zone, scratching off a few items from the ol' Bucket List and, of course, learning more of life's lessons. I completed my first marathon this year and then Tough Mudder. Two physically and mentally exhausting challenges that have been on my Bucket List for a few years. I joined Team in Training, raising over $3000 for the Lymphoma and Leukemia Society, doing the unthinkable, asking for monetary donations (amidst a recession). Terrifying to say the least. I reawakened my love of yoga and meditation, the two things that saved me from my darkest days. Which leads me to my word for 2012:
Empower. It actually surprised me that this is the word that instantly came to mind as I was typing the above paragraph. In the back of my mind my 'striving DO more' Self was thinking more along the lines of Action or Goals or Conquer. But as I look at this word, Empower, and take in it's meaning "to promote the self-actualization or influence of" (via Merriam-Webster), I find that it encompasses so much. As I continue to move forward and break through the walls of self-doubt and the self-imposed definition of who I am (or am not) I will humbly open my mind and spirit. Through this empowerment I will continue the pursuit of my dreams and goals.
I don't know if it's just me, but something about the cooler weather and impending holidays has always stirred my inner desires to "do something"...and I don't mean shop. Although I am a New Year's Resolution maker, some of my most defining moments and goal setting/accomplishments have happened in the fall or winter. When I first started running it was during the week of Thanksgiving many, many moons ago. When I broke out of my comfort zone and left for a 4 day Green Tortoise adventure to Death Valley (not knowing a single soul...and on what one might consider a "hippie bus") is was in late October. And, when I started attending the Ashram is was in the rainy month of November.
Here's a look at the bus (it's a bit newer than the one I was on but had the same layout):
So, I guess it should come a no surprise that I am getting "the itch" to do some goal setting, even though New Years is still a month away. Of course, I do have a major life changing event coming soon...my wedding on Christmas Day...so I won't be hoping on some bus headed for Baja California for 15 days in December (I will however, be spending 20 days in beautiful North Lake Tahoe) but I will be focused on a few new (or not so new) goals.
Because I believe in accountability, I'm posting my goals here. I'm hoping it will also help to have a place to refer back to should I lose sight of my intensions. I am of the mindset that by writing down my goals I am more likely to achieve them. It works for me...and honestly, I find that life can get busy and my mind cluttered, which means if I don't write my goals down there is a good chance I will forget some of the details. I am also still working on the way I set my goals. I know they should be specific and measurable...which is another reason to write them out. Sure, it's easy to remember to "exercise more" but not so easy to remember "exercise a minimum of 25 hours per month" (at least for me).
So, here we go:
Goal 1: Complete the Insanity 60 Day Workout Program.
Goal 2: Meditate a minimum of 10 minutes per day at least 3 times per week (nail mat optional).
Goal 3: Declutter, sell, and/or give away all of the worldly possessions we will be unable to take with us after retirement Dec 2012. (I'll have to write a post about this whole thing soon but basically we are going to be fulltime RVers, traveling the country in about a year).
Goal 3: Find a source for publishing my dad's short stories...even if it's through self-publishing.
This last goal is near and dear to my heart. It's part of my healing process. My father, who was killed in a car accident 2 years ago, was a difficult person to figure out. It was only after his death, when I found a journal and notes he had written, that I even began to understand some of his actions and thoughts. And, of course, in retrospect, had he shared those thoughts and feelings with me and my sister our entire relationship would have been different...better...more forgiving. I think he was an amazing writer but found that his self-esteem was so shattered that he never believed in himself or his capabilities. I guess I want to somehow prove to him that he was talented. Perhaps my intensions are a little self-serving as well because, you see, I am a lot like him. So, perhaps if I can do this for him I will also be proving to myself that I am worthy. Does that make me selfish? This one is deep...and it is a terrifying goal. Shoot, give me exercise and diet over this any day!!
What are your thoughts on goals? Do you find yourself more 'successful' or motivated at different times of the year?
As I've eluded to in one of my earliest posts, I used to mediate a lot and it became one of those things that really changed my life for the better. So, I suppose it's odd that I no longer practice it. I don't know how or why this happens...we find something we really enjoy, something that changes us, stirs some emotion or desire, provides that spark...and lo and behold, it somehow finds it's way to the back burner until it disappears all together.
I've contemplated, over these past few years, about taking up mediation again. I even bought a meditation nail mat, which is supposed to enhance your practice, allowing for a deeper state of relaxation and thus, longer periods of self-reflection. At the height of my mediation practice, I attended several activities at the Siddha Yoga Ashram in Oakland including meditation, Shri Guru Gita and some Temple Chants. These were amazing at helping me to get focused, relaxed, and connected to something other than all of the garbage that usually occupied my thoughts. And I'll admit, just thinking about their Amrit Cafe makes my mouth water.
I didn't know a single person at the Ashram...and I stopped going before I ever got to know any one. I suppose it's kind of like that, at places where people are being introspective and the only "talking" is really chanting. It was outside of my comfort-zone which also included driving 45 minutes to Oakland...one way...by myself. Yet, the rewards were so worth it.
What does this have to do with today? Well, I was privy to a great Got Daily Deal special for our local hot yoga studio. As most of you know, attending yoga at a studio is usually very expensive ($100 + per month) so when I saw a one month unlimited coupon for $20 I was all over it! Having been to my 4th vinyasa flow class so far I can tell you that hot yoga, for me, is a lot like mediating, except with a lot of sweat.
Honesty, when I attended my first class I knew it would be warm...but I had no clue that when they said hot they meant HOT. Like 100 degrees hot. As in, "Wow, even the floor is hot! I gotta get on my mat before my feet burn" hot. It's been several years since I did yoga in the real sense of the word, meaning, not while distractedly watching The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills while trying to stay balanced in Crane Pose, so I don't recall any prior yoga classes having this kind of impact on me. As a matter of fact, I am sure I've never felt the need to break down in tears in the middle of class like I did last Wednesday.
As emotional as these classes have been, and as happy as I feel in my life right, I know that the meditative aspect has been able to stir some 'issues' that I have yet to address. They may not be the huge issues I had at certain points in my life, but there are still some lingering around.
Which leads me back to the thought, why did I stop? Pretty soon my $20 deal will expire and I am in no position to pay the regular fees to continue at the studio (thanks economy, job loss and 3 pay cuts). And although I did manage to get a Groupon for a 3 month membership at my local Gold's Gym (for only $49~score), I know that their yoga classes will not stir the types of feelings that I got in that 102 degree, humid room, with Krishna Das chanting "Om Namah Shivaya" softly in the background, as I struggled in side plank with rivulets of sweat running down my arms. Which leads me to believe that it is time to dust off the nail mat, download some Mantra Radio, and start reconnecting again.
This is your not-so-typical race recap for the Nike Women's Marathon held October 16, 2011. Why?? Well, truth be told, I didn't run it. As a matter of fact, I didn't even run the HALF Marathon. And, while I was tempted to not even show up for the event at all, I ended up not only drinking {alcohol, that is} the night before, I also drank during the race.
Partner's in crime, Coleen, Stephi and me at Nike Town.
Finding ME on the wall of over 22,000 entrants.
Let me back track a moment. My friends and I entered the lottery for the Nike Women's Marathon months prior to the event. We had been training for Rock n' Roll San Diego for several weeks and were apparently on a semi-permanent runner's high when we entered the lottery. Training was still in the fun phase (long runs under 16 miles) and, much like loading up your plate at the all you can eat buffet, our dreams were bigger than our running appetites...well, at least mine were.
Many months passed between being selected in the lottery and the actual event. Summer came and went along with a few races...a half-marathon and a trail 10k followed by Tough Mudder Norcal one month prior to NWM. I had started doing some cross training (Kettlebells and Insanity) to prepare for Tough Mudder while trying to still squeeze in some trail runs. My road miles suffered, badly. Then, to make matters worse, Nike, who not only continues to abuse their workers in sweat shops but then re-signed Michael Vick as their spokesperson.
I am proud to have NEVER owned ny Nike gear.
Now, so far I have tried to stay away from controversial topics in this blog BUT, I make no apologize for being Anti-Vick. I will save you all of the details but have stated publicly that I will NEVER purchase any item from Nike (or any other Vick sponsorers) because I truly believe he is a horrible role model and Nike has proven to be the epitome of a greedy, heartless corporation. For those that say Vick's paid his debt to 'society' I disagree, he never served one day for animal abuse even though he killed dogs with his own bare hands.
Yeah, I'm holding a grudge...
So, that being said, I found the marathon approaching fast and my desire to run it dwindling away. It was the perfect storm...lack of any long runs (my longest since Rock N Roll San Diego in June was 13.1 miles), lack of motivation (call it the let down after completing Tough Mudder), lack of a clear goal (although I want to set a new PR I also want to make sure I do it with proper training so I won't feel the need to run yet another marathon if this one turned out to be less than expected), and a very strong dislike for the massive amounts of Nike being shoved down my throat.
Coleen and I with the Golden Gate Bridge in the background.
Thankfully, my good friend {and running buddy} Coleen convinced me to just show up. Due to some health issues, she and some other friends had decided to walk the half-marathon and to make it FUN. No time expectations, no PR's, no pressure...but we'd still get our Tiffany necklace (handed out by the men of the San Francisco Fire Department no less) and spend some quality time together. To seal the deal we went out for drinks the night before (something we would NEVER do prior to a race).
Martini flights at the Grandview Bar atop the Hyatt in Union Square {delicious}!!
I ended up having a great nights sleep and woke up race day a bit excited. It was so strange to be getting dressed in my regular running gear and as we headed the .9 miles to Union Square for the start I actually felt like throwing our plans to wind and running the race. But a promise is a promise and Coleen held me to it. Somewhere between mile 2 and 3 she even dragged me by the arm into a bar at The Cannery where we downed a couple of rather large Bloody Marys.
When we stepped out of the bar I thought I saw the sweep vehicle coming up the street so we did actually run for a bit and eventually caught up to the other girls in our group. I have to admit vodka burns...but Gatorade seems to squelch the burn. =)
Overall, we had a great time, took some fun pictures along the way, and Brightroom was able to capture the best finish picture ever!
1, 2, 3, Jump...wait, jump on "3" or jump on "Jump"??
My future plans still include ONE more full marathon, but I will be much more selective this time round...and I will probably join a running group to help me stay on track. I have a trail 10k next month and my wedding in December!! This fall and winter I'll be focusing on short to medium distance running (5-13 mile runs), pilates, kettlebells and Insanity to get my weight and body fat to goal (something I find impossible to do during marathon training).
At least my cat, Avi liked the Swag Bag!! =)
So, there's my confession. And yes, I do feel a little bad for 'taking' someone else's spot who didn't get selected in the lottery. But at least I learned a few lessons from this...1-Don't register for any more Nike sponsored events, 2-Join a running group and train prior to my next my marathon, and 3-It IS possible to let go of expectations and just have fun.
