Hate-Loss Challenge Week 2

This week's Hate-Loss topic is about self-acceptance and living our lives in the "now". For a more detailed explanation please refer to this post at Fat Girl Wearing Thin.

Exercise for the week:

Think about the answers to these esteem-deflating questions.  How often do you carry these thought around with you on a daily basis?

My life would be so much better if I were only:

I’d be so much happier if I had a better:

I wish I weighed:

When I look in the mirror, the first thing I criticize about myself is my:

The one negative word that I use about myself over and over again is:

Now, answer these questions so that they can be seen by everyone reading your update:

I often receive the most compliments on my hair, eyes and smile.

What I admire most about myself when I look at my reflection is I look damn good (for a 40+ year old). {Okay, I might have a little bit more work to do here.}

I take pride in my work ethic and ability to challenge myself.

I love the fact that I can get dirty and play hard yet still look pretty in a dress.

My greatest quality is I'm easy going and easy to get along with.

Over the past couple of years I have been working hard at taking it easy on myself. Yes, I still set goals and challenge myself with difficult endeavors (like Tough Mudder, running a marathon, and now Climbing Mt. Shasta) but my approach has been one of celebrating my body and what it can do rather than punishing it. 

In the past I've joined in many different challenges, most of them focusing on weight-loss or physical challenges that seem more about quantity over quality. For someone like me, it is easy to become so wrapped up in these challenges that I will do almost anything to accomplish that goal...even things that are truly harmful (like fasting, over-exercising and exercising when injured). All the while, my desire to achieve these goals has been based on my dislike of my own body, focusing only on those parts of my body I 'hate'...it was a sort of punishment.

Perhaps it's my age or the fact that this past year I have been face-to-face with other people who are just like me that I've been much more aware of the harm I've been doing to myself, both physically and emotionally. I found myself getting irritated with a few friends because I felt they were either training incorrectly and ignoring their nutritional needs, or both. I found them extremely competitive and their ego's were out of control. Because I had such a strong reaction I decided to really explore where these feelings were coming from and what they were really about. What I found not only surprised me, but caused a bit of embarrassment. It was as if I was looking into a mirror...the things I was so pissed about were the very same things I was 'guilty' of doing...basically an on-going reward and punishment system that not only kept my weight yo-yoing but also was emotionally draining. I was constantly stressed out and often took my frustrations out on myself or my loved ones.

For me, taking the time to be introspective and question my own thoughts has revealed a new acceptance of my self. Sure, part of me would still love to lose 10 or 15 or maybe even 20 pounds (that's the side of me that wants to wear a skimpy string bikini this summer) but the other side of me wants to be able to celebrate my life without always feeling like I'm not quite good enough to celebrate. My body is amazing. I'm so fortunate to have full function of my limbs, I'm healthy, injury free and have a love for adventure. How on earth would it make sense to try to put life on hold until I feel I meet some ideal weight goal??

After spelunking down 165 feet!!

Either way, the days, weeks, months and years will pass. I can weigh 8 pounds too much (by whose standard anyway??) and have a great time hiking around Calaveras County with my new husband, or I can sit at home, making meal plans, counting calories and opting to not to go on any trips (I'd just spend all of that time, surrounded by beauty, worried about how my muffin top might look in the pictures anyway) until I reach some arbitrary goal. When those thoughts creep in (and they do) I ask myself "will this matter in one year? Five years? 20 years? When I'm dead?"...

That spec is me on the zip-line...1500 feet of zipping over the tree line. Weeeeeeee!

I'm healthy, and other than vanity, there is no logical reason for me to worry about losing weight. There is no one out there in this world whose judgement of my weight has any sort of impact on my life. I won't make any more money if I lose weight, I won't magically become happier if I weighed less, I won't become rich and famous nor will my quality of life improve. What am I waiting for? Nothing...

Hate-loss...On Letting Go...

One of my most beloved bloggers (and possibly my twin, separated at birth), Ellen at Fat Girl Wearing Thin is hosting the Hate-Loss Challenge for the month of January. This is my first time participating so forgive me if for the bumpy start, I'll be learning as I go.

The premise of the Hate-Loss Challenge is a means to begin healing our emotional self. As Ellen points out (and I often participate in), there are thousands of 'challenges' out there from weight loss to running a prescribed number of miles to giving up coffee to swinging a kettlebell 10,000 times in a month (<<- Yes, I'm doing that one again) but rarely do we see a challenge that offers a deeper look at our emotional well-being AND provides the support of others battling the same issues. We learn from each other...and we can heal. 

This week’s exercise:

Think back to a time or place in your life when you formed negative thoughts about yourself. Why do you think you are undeserving of praise? Was there a specific event that caused you to change the way you perceive yourself? Is it because you’ve always been reminded of your imperfections or weaknesses? Is it because you’re not receiving enough positive feedback from people whose opinions really matter to you? Do you have unrealistic expectations of yourself? Were you taught these habits from living in an unhealthy environment? Write about it, and then ask yourself: How can I find a way to forgive those who have hurt me? How can I forgive myself?

Okay, I have to be honest here and say that off the top of my head I cannot remember exactly when or why I started to believe I was less-than anyone else...I just knew I was. I have a very beautiful and outgoing older sister. She's the life of the party, she's fearless, she's smart, she's successful...she also caused my parents a lot of grief during her teen years. 

I was awkward, a tomboy who was shy and hated group activities because, for some reason, I felt I would let the team down. I opted for individual sports, which I did well in but didn't help my social standing. Instead I tried to excel in school and keep peace at home feeling that if I did exceptionally well it would balance out what my sister was doing. I suppose in my young mind I couldn't understand the attention my sister got for being bad while I was basically put on the back burner.

It's funny that I was resentful of that attention when it was exactly what I had brought on myself! I didn't make things better for my sister or my parents...I only succeeded in making myself invisible. Which brings even more light to the fact that at age 16, after a traumatic move to Alaska, I became anorexic. A mix of trying to become less while screaming for someone to notice. 

As much as I love my parents, I often find it incomprehensible that they never really addressed my extreme weight loss until I was well below 100 pounds. It wasn't until I saw myself in the mirror...a glimpse as I stood naked and turned my head to look at something. I caught an image reminiscent of a holocaust victim. I mean no disrespect, but this is what I saw...thighs as thin as my arms are now, a hollowed out buttocks, razor sharp hip bones and every vertebrae standing out boldly. Had I seen myself only from the front I would have seen an ugly, worthless girl who doesn't deserve attention because that's what was so familiar. It was only in seeing this reflection that did not seem to be me that it clicked...and I asked for help.

Getting ready for senior prom AFTER I was released from the hospital where I spent 3+ months in therapy and gaining weight.

I've battled ever since then with finding self-worth that isn't tied to my weight, which I think is just a deflection of the attention I seek. I can blame my parents for focusing their attention on the daughter that desperately needed it (my sister) but they were doing the best they could. I know this and I accept it. I could blame my sister for being a trouble maker or outgoing...but she is who she is based on her experiences. She didn't do those things to make me less...I know this and I accept it. I could blame myself for internalizing every single negative comment, eye-roll, dismissal or every Friday night I stayed at home alone reading or studying...and I do.


I am in the process (through this challenge and through continued blogging and study) of forgiving myself for placing such high expectations on who I was and who I should become that I had no option but to fail. And if I didn't fail I raised the bar and kept raising it until it became impossible to succeed. I do take responsibility because I am very aware that I not only internalize and personalize things but I live out these beliefs as if they are real, going through the emotions in a very physical way. This is one of the reasons I named my blog Learning Curves...I know that I am a work in process.